Empowering Communication
Rages, Tantrums, and meltdowns can be annoying when dealing with them on an ongoing basis. We pray that they stop quickly. Dealing with a “perpetual child” (cognitively age 5 or so) encompassing disabilities, can be rare to end quickly. There are many contributors such as Medication side effects, puberty, lack of communication, lack of awareness, and different disabilities to name a few.
I have been in 6-hour nonstop rages with my son due to medication side effects and puberty (high amounts of testosterone). These rages and meltdowns were the norm in our home for 9 years. Logan would kick doors, punch walls, throw things, break the glass on our wood stove, kick our vehicles in, kick the windshield out when we were driving, Punched, kicked, and hit his father and myself along with caregivers. We tried to discipline and take things away which only increased the behaviors, I tried the good work system which didn’t work. For a period, nothing seemed to get through, dealing with raging hormones and medication side effects we were in survival mode. Between Seizures and painful behaviors, we lost hope, and we couldn’t get the help we needed.
I began a yearlong coaching program called Conscious Uncoupling by Katherine Woodward Thomas. I began to learn self-soothing techniques. One technique was addressing the younger child during an emotional breakdown. The self-mirroring practice goes like this:
Adult self: What are you feeling sweetheart?
Answer: I am feeling sad.
Adult self: I can see that you are feeling sad. Pause a moment.
Adult self: What else might you be feeling?
Answer: I am feeling confused.
Adult self: I can see that you are feeling confused.
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Repeating this line of questioning about 4-6 times. Taking time to listen deeply while cultivating patience and awareness to connect more inward. The next question is: Where might you be feeling these “big feelings” in your body? Notice where you are feeling that tension, pain, heaviness, anxiety, tingling whatever it might be in the body. Breathe into that space and acknowledge the weight or energy you have been carrying in that spot or spot. Staying present and breathing in and out of those areas will give one relief. The next question is :
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Adult self: What do you need right now “darling”?
Answer: I need support.
Adult self: I can see you need support. What else do you need sweetheart?
Answer: I need love.
Adult self: I can see that you need love.
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You want to state it back exactly as it comes out. Holding that part that is feeling sad, hurt, and neglected with Love and presence is essential for relief and shifting. I began practicing these techniques on myself regularly and to my amazement, my life began to shift quickly. After 10 months through the program, I started to do the process with Logan. Logan was highly activated and upset lashing out and yelling at the caregiver and myself. I interrupted him with the question: What are you feeling? It took 10 seconds for him to stop yelling and look at me in bewilderment. I pulled out the picture cards displaying feelings to which he pointed mad. I repeated back: I can see you are feeling mad. What else might you be feeling sweetheart? He pointed to frustrated. I then repeated back to him: I can see you are feeling frustrated. Logan completely stopped and changed. I was seeing Logan, hearing Logan, and validating his feelings. This was the beginning of huge shifts in the behaviors. I would breathe deeply and loudly so I could get Logan to breathe without commanding him. I was present, calm, and patient. I took everything that I had made personal about the behaviors out of the equation, which allowed me to engage fully. I started with: How are you feeling and only asked that question for a few months. Then I added in: Where are you feeling this in your body? After a few more months I added in, what do you need? I took everything slow so that Logan could learn awareness of what he was feeling, along with where he was feeling it, and what his needs were so he wasn’t looking to me or others to tell him.
This process worked immediately however, it took a full year of doing this consistently for Logan to integrate everything and self-regulate. Now when Logan gets angry, he will express what he is feeling without me asking (I always repeat back what he is feeling). Logan takes time out to check in with himself. When things are tough for Logan and he gets caught up in the emotion, I will lead him through the process.
This has changed the hitting, kicking, and yelling of belligerent names by 90%. Logan does get depressed and will lash out occasionally.
During Seizure time, Logan improved with the hitting. He will sometimes lash out and become frustrated although that is to be expected when the brain and body are contending with trauma from the seizures.
This has improved our lives dramatically over time. I guarantee this process and stand by it. When starting out, Presence and patience are a necessity, and being calm is imperative. This may take a while so don’t be hard on yourself.