Marriage

This is an important topic for parents raising families, especially when circumstances include children with disabilities. Each disability depending on the severity will have a greater impact on the marriage. Raising a family requires so much energy, time, and patience that it can take the strongest marriage and break it down. Marriage needs to be built on a solid foundation to make it through difficult times. Let's face it, when you are raising a child with disabilities it will most definitely change you. You will be pushed to your breaking point and then some. During these times you will get to know who your partner is and where their loyalty lies. You will begin to see true feelings rise to the surface, and core wounding from both of you will enter the picture in full force. Sometimes it will feel like the Twilight Zone. Blame will rear its ugly head intentionally or unintentionally spoken or unspoken. Feelings of guilt will fester below the surface making one feel inadequate and angry directing it at times towards the other person. Jealousy shows up because one person may or may not carry or be carrying the same load. Sometimes I would get jealous that my partner would go to work. I felt so overwhelmed with caregiving, seizures, destructive behaviors (violent outbursts with hitting and punching), housework, cooking and cleaning up, shopping while dealing with seizures (sometimes it would take 90 mins to get through the store), going to therapy several times a week, taking care of the bills, all the healthcare needs. I was exhausted and resentful which showed up in my marriage. I blamed my husband for everything. The truth was I was overextending myself and not asking for the help I needed. I began to look at the ways in which I was showing up in the marriage. I showed up independent, strong like I didn’t have any needs, aggressive, bossy, controlling, demanding, and needy. Deep down, I was suffering greatly because I was so lonely, hurt, sad, and lost. I didn’t have good role models for marriage; Both my parents had several failed marriages. 

I taught my husband how to treat me, by the way I had been treating myself and then blaming him for my pain and suffering. I lacked boundaries, courage to speak my truth and needs, skills, clarity, and insight to navigate my own inner wounding and insight into the patterns and blocks that continually repeated the same cycles. One cannot change something with the same mindset they started with. 
I finally realized what  I was trying to get from my husband, was what I needed to learn how to give to myself. The journey inward taught me that marriage is a sacred and powerful union that deserves great respect and is not to be taken for granted. 

Marriage gives us the opportunity to grow by mirroring back to one another the ways in which we are showing up and engaging with each other. When we become aware of our own wounds, patterns, and blocks we can begin to step into our power as opposed to being in victimhood and destroying the sanctity of a Divine connection. Only through taking responsibility for ourselves and the ways in which we created the dynamics of our relationship will we come together to heal and transform. 

We need to have open authentic communication, uplifting, empowering, compassionate, support, intimacy, openness, forgiveness, patience, and sharing,  which are just a few important pieces. Spending time together even if you can’t leave the house because of your responsibilities. Being playful, working together to partner, and sharing the duties. Talking about feelings and what each other is going through. The best person to talk with about your hardships is the one in it with you sometimes. Deep listening without trying to fix one another is essential. Knowing that you are safe with your partner(you can share and speak without your partner ignoring or shutting you down or out) is powerful and will allow one another to flourish even in the darkest of times.  All of this takes hard work. Marriage can push one to the edge because it shows you where you need to shift. When we make these internal shifts, there will be marriages that completely fall apart because the dynamics have changed and no longer match one another. There are also marriages that become closer and move to the next level.

The vows we make to one another need to be the vows we make to ourselves as well.

This allows us to enter into a healthy strong union.  

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