Outbursts

Outbursts can be unsettling, especially in public or in front of others. Outbursts may elicit a range of feelings and emotions.  We may feel powerless, embarrassed, angry, shame around not having control of the situation, feeling judged by others or we might not be handling the situation the “right way”.

The truth is sometimes we make our children’s outbursts mean something about us. We may judge ourselves harshly or critically. We can get lost in the overwhelm of the situation each time the outbursts present themselves. We get locked into a loop by trying to control the situation from a place of inner wounding (I’m not good enough, there is something wrong with me, etc.) which is powerlessness, embarrassment, shame, and anger. We want to do the best for our children, however, if we are pleasing others by trying to shut down the outburst we may be causing harm to the child emotionally.    Once in that loop, it may be difficult to make changes from the control that we are asserting over the child and the way in which we make it mean something about us. This can block us from seeing another perspective or solution.

Having a child with a brain disorder, seizure disorder, or mental disorder will certainly impact the outbursts. Add in the medication side effects, puberty, lack of communication, pain, cognitive age, and more, it can feel hopeless and overwhelming.
When the outburst presents itself, it is important to check in with yourself and notice how you are feeling and what emotions are you operating from. This is extremely important to the level of support you can give. If we are highly activated, it will make the situation more difficult. When in a predicament of being triggered it is important to calm down and detach.

 I personally put my hands on my heart and begin to breathe in Love, Ease, and Compassion inhaling and exhaling slowly and deeply repeating these words about 5-8 times. This brings me back to my heart and into my body rather than being angry and blaming the situation. I then ask my child in a calm voice: What are you feeling sweetheart? I have a set of picture cards that I give to my son so he can show me what he is feeling. He may show or say anger. I look at him and in a kind voice repeat back: I can see that you are feeling angry. What else are you feeling darling? I don’t rush him; I just breathe slowly and deeply so that he can hear my breathing which has a calming effect and can slow his breathing down. I repeat back to him everything he says. The child/person will begin to calm down. The goal is to teach the child/person how to become aware of what they “FEEL” and how to deal with those feelings. We do not need to fix anything (learning not to fix things is a boundary), nor do we want to dictate what and how they should feel. The child/person wants to be heard, seen and acknowledged. The outburst is a way to receive validation of their pain and suffering. We want to teach them boundaries which is learning that they don’t have to have a tantrum to get their way. We teach them self-responsibility and empower them. Another important step is teaching them to become aware of their own needs. This way they can express their needs in a healthy way. We do this after they have learned to identify their feelings. We add it after we have asked what they are feeling 3 X. What do you need? We repeat back: I can see that you need_____. 

After a few months, you will begin to see a noticeable difference in the outbursts. This process is important to utilize on a daily basis so that when the outbursts become present, we don’t have to think of all the steps. This will become organically natural in time. This can also be difficult to do if you are exhausted and pushed to the edge. Being patient with yourself is extremely important to the length of time it takes to master this. It took me a year of doing this every day to shift into a calm state no matter how intense the situation. I have learned that it’s not personal. This was the most difficult thing for me to learn.