Moms Emotions are intense during the Withdrawal of Keppra (antiseizure med)

I feel this prickly burning sensation move up my neck and over my head as the next Grand mal

seizure rolls in. I feel an intense rage building in my body. I am screaming inside at the top of my lungs for reprieve. I keep begging God to make them stop. As the next one comes without warning I feel trapped not knowing how to hold all these big emotions. My brain searches for ways to find relief to no avail.

I do my best to stop every seizure, but they keep coming more than the normal batch of seizures. Looking into his eyes and seeing the look of terror unleashes all the guilt I have felt since he was diagnosed at 2yrs old. My head fills with how unfair this is for someone so innocent. Questions, statements keep pouring in; Are you sure you are doing the right thing for Logan? Maybe you should give him the pill. How could you have let the doctors put him on that med, why didn’t you push harder to make a med change, now look at how hard this is because fear stopped you from making waves ugh!!!

Day 5, no sleep yet and none in the foreseeable future. I am physically, emotionally and mentally spent. Exhaustion sets in and a feeling of complete and utter dread takes up space in my physical body. Taking a breath feels next to impossible with a shallowness and a thick burning feeling. I pray every moment of every waking day. I feel so angry at God for not stopping these seizures. On the outside I am calm, I do not show the intense feelings coming up. Watching Logan suffer (what my mind views as suffering) is excruciating.

Day 11, Slept for 8 hours last night. No seizures. The relief is a welcomed oasis. I feel everything that was eating at me slowly slip away. I am filled with so much gratitude and saying to God “Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.” I realize in that moment how I let outside circumstances bring me to my knees. The harsh voices in my head tearing me down. I think this opportunity has broken the shell that I had built around myself over prior years of pain. I began to realize that this was the best decision and stuck with it (trusting my inner guidance). I had to surrender to the intense feelings that were coming up and release control. I found that God was right there with us breaking down the old structures so that new ones can be built in their place. I found a deeper strength and peace that I did not know I was capable of.

There will always be opportunities that will bring me to my knees and show me something more beautiful and more aligned with the authentic part of who I am. I now welcome them with open arms knowing that life is happening for me not to me.

Much Love and many blessings

Wendy