The Power of Self Awareness

The life as a parent of a Special Needs child can feel very lonely and isolating, especially if the needs are high. It may even feel like a punishment. Perhaps we felt as though we did something wrong or there must be something wrong with us that our child has to suffer. Consciously we know the situation is just the way it is however, internally and subcounsciously we hold ourselves accountable and sometimes responsible.

I felt this way for years. I never told anyone at the time because I felt embarrassed and ashamed, like I was just supposed to suck it up and move forward. I grew up in a household where suffering, denial, and self betrayal were the "in things". My mother was very independent and checked out with her feelings. Her motto was: "Don't let anyone see you sweat"! She could have a bad day and put a smile on as though nothing had transpired. She was always pretending to be okay when clearly she was falling apart. My mother was isolated and deeply suffering. I definitely picked these traits up as a child and wore them like a badge of honor as an adult. It wasn't until my entire life was literally falling apart, when our son was going through puberty, seizures, meds, violence, and severe marital problems that I realized I had become my mother and I didn't know how to get out of the mess I was in (all hardship and disaster is a way to break us open so our heart can let go and embrace the new).

I wanted someone to acknowledge the situation I was in, to see the pain and suffering we were going through and to help (I had to be the one to ask for help but I was stubborn and wanted everyone to see me as strong). We were all stuck in a trauma loop. I wasn't able to see what I wanted others to see and acknowledge about my situation( compassion and understanding). I felt so alone and like I was carrying a load that I wasn't equipped for. I was in a severe depression, I secretly wanted to die and prayed that God would take me. I even fantasized about driving off a cliff. The only problem with that scenario was I feared I would survive. I was so inundated with chores and Logan's seizures that I never really made time for myself to process what was happening or connect with others that could help.

One day I came across Katherine Woodward Thomas's work. My entire world began to shift. I began to see the trauma patterns that played out in my life. The control and manipulation; The awareness of how I had been giving my power away and how I had been playing a victim and blaming everything and one around me began to seep into my consciousness. For the first time I began to see how I had been showing up and how much resentment I was carrying. I realized I had set up my marriage and family the way I had experienced it as a child, although I wasn't conscious of that at the time.

My mother had 3 tumultuous marriages, ultra controlling, manipulative and was checked out (she was in survival mode). I believed that I had set it up differently because I stayed with the same husband, I did everything for my son, I took care of my families needs and had a full plate. I put my needs last. I thought That I was doing life better than my mother. I dressed the same wolf in different clothing. That was the most difficult pill to swallow.

Unpacking the baggage I was carrying was extremely painful and gratifying at the same time. I had to take ownership and responsibility for the pain and suffering I was and had been causing those around me and myself. I needed to make an amends to myself and others to change the way I had been doing things so I could change the dynamics of my life. One can't change what they don't know if they continue to be mesmerized with shiny objects and avoidant behavior.

My life is sometimes messy, difficult, busy and crazy yet I am happy and feel a sense of deep peace that everything is okay. That life is happening for me and not to me. I am navigating my ship always facing my North star. I truly know that whatever comes my way will bring me closer to the alignment of creation and my soul. After all, the path is always about the journey.