Silently suffering another Monday

I’m dreaming of being on a dock in the middle of the ocean. The day is a bit gray and cloudy as I look down below and see all kinds of fish, sharks and whales swimming around. I think to myself, “I want to see a dolphin” as one appears right at the surface. I am in awe at how this dolphin is nudging me and allowing me to caress its face. I hear this sound off in the distance and realize It’s time to wake up. I feel like I just went to sleep. Logan comes in the room and hugs me while being agitated and cussing about the people at his day program. I feel frustrated waking up to his daunting mood first thing since it was the last thing I dealt with before bed. I feel this sadness come over me. I get up go into my healing space to meditate before I get lunches and drinks going for the household. I sit praying to God to help me have patience and be centered in love. I feel this huge frustration fill every part of me. I begin crying and wondering how much longer I must endure the pain, suffering and sadness of watching Logan go through these hardships as well as myself dealing with it all. Most people don’t realize the intensity that parents with special needs children go through daily and depending on the disability, moment to moment.

When dealing with LGS there are a lot of intense behaviors and moods not to mention seizures you deal with. The medications intensify all of it. There are no days off and very little down time unless you are blessed with family. This road doesn’t have pits, it has craters on it. Yes, it is incredible how much we learn and gain but it is also very demanding, depressing, heartbreaking, intense and lonely. We are tired all the time; we just learn to deal with exhaustion and keep going. God gives us so many opportunities to practice changing our mindsets and patterns through our kid’s disability which is fantastic but also challenging. I allow the frustration to just be in my presence. I feel it in my body and notice where it mostly resides breathing into that space sending love to myself. I begin to feel it subside and dissipate. I feel the internal rawness of other emotions I wasn’t aware of rise to the surface. I allow these big feelings to be within me surrendering and letting go of the fight. My heart begins to soften, my body relaxes, and I feel this incredible love fill me. This is the grace of God. I feel and become more aware of my purpose on this journey each time I do this process. This isn’t about getting it “right” or being perfect, it’s about feeling, being present, seeing through the eyes of the heart, getting down and dirty and making a mess so I can see what’s beneath the surface.

As I finish my meditation, I head into the kitchen with a grateful heart and a calm presence knowing that all may not be well on this busy Monday morning, but I will allow the magic of love to guide me forward. Much love and many blessings. I see you and hold big love for each and everyone of you on this journey.